


LOVE AND PAIN IN THE NEW MULTIVERSE OF SO-CALLED "MYSTICISM"

by RiversCuomoFan76



Category: FLCL, Family Guy (Cartoon), Gantz, Hereditary (2018), Kill la Kill (Anime & Manga), Miitopia (Video Game)
Genre: Crack Crossover, Crack and Angst, Crossover, F/F, F/M, Multi, Multiverse, Random Events Plot, Randomness, Weight Gain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-01
Updated: 2020-07-18
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:47:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25014184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RiversCuomoFan76/pseuds/RiversCuomoFan76
Summary: Expect the tags to fill up!Strange things start happening, universes start colliding, yadda yadda yadda....It all happens after Peter Griffin watches a weird Spongebob VHS.Kei Kurono is now into Chaos Magick for some reason.People from all sorts of different universes start making out and having sex and stuff but there are also evil villain meanies who intend to stop that.An EPIC that will hopefully span many genres and tones. Basically, more and more characters from stuff I like will feature and I'm sure it will all work out one way or the other.
Relationships: Kurono Kei/Mankanshoku Mako, OC/Mii
Kudos: 3





	1. Peter gets chumped

Peter was setting the table when he heard a bizarre whooshing sound above his head. He craned his neck upwards but could see nothing. Mother, father and Charlie headed downstairs. He had cooked some delicious lasagne.

MEANWHILE… Peter Griffin had purchased an odd-looking Spongebob VHS from a one-eyed vendor who had a hook for a hand and a gun for his other hand. He bounced up and down with glee.

“Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! This is gonna be the best freakin’ episode of Spongebob ever, I just KNOW it!” said Peter.

He plonked the VHS into the VCR. There was a brief bit of static but the Spongebob intro played as normal except the title of the show was spelt “Spingebob Squarepants”.

“Huh,” said Peter, “must be one of them bootlegs by the Chinese. Oh well,”

Peter then fantasised about Chinese people being forced to work in sweatshops and then one of them breaking an arm but still continuing to work. He chuckled at his own fantasy.

Spongebob stumbled into the Krusty Krab looking depressed, tired and unkempt. He stood there for an entire minute. Peter got bored and was about to switch to Comedy Central to watch some stupid crap before Spongebob whipped out a gun and shot Squidward.

“Not so high and mighty now, eh, Squiddy?” said Spongebob.

“Holy crap, this is insane!” said Peter “This is so out of character for Spongebob! He would never be so vindictive and petty toward Squidward,”

He paused for a second.

“Also, the level of violence does seem a little off,”

Spongebob then massacred people in Bikini Bottom for twenty straight minutes and it was really boring.

“God, we get it, you’re edgy! Show me something new!” said Peter.

Spongebob then flashed up on the screen and said “You’re next, Peter,”

“Damn,” thought Peter, “that’s kinda creepy,”

Peter then looked for Lois so he could complain about his crappy Spongebob VHS but she was nowhere to be found and neither were the kids.

“Crap! Spongebob? Spongebob! What have you DONE!?” screamed Peter in fear.

He then found a post-it note.

It read: “We’re off to the ass cancer gala.”

“Ah,” thought Peter, “they’re safe and sound at the ass cancer gala,”

“HOLY CRAP THE ASS CANCER GALA!” he screamed.

He ran to his car and went Tokyo Drift to the retirement home where the gala was being held.

He rammed his car through the wall. What he saw within the building was unlike anything he had ever seen.

“Holy crap! What are all these smoking hot Asian chicks doing at the ass cancer gala? And where’s everyone else?” asked Peter.

“Where are we?” asked Yumeko Jabami.

“Quahog, land of the free. We get wasted here, we play ice hockey here and most importantly, we beat our wives here,” said Peter.

Yumeko backed away from what she perceived as an unstable individual.

Mamimi Samejima then knocked Peter over the head with a foldable chair, knocking him out.

MEANWHILE…

Kei Kurono was granted chaos control.

“I now understand how to become one with the flow of events,” he said.

He walked around the spaceship.

“Damn, no fine ass pussy,” he thought.

Then he stumbled into the captain’s room and saw the incredibly naked Mako Mankanshoku. He rubbed his hands together. He approached her from behind and said “I know the secrets of Western mysticism.”

Mako turned around and slapped the shit out of him.

“Fuck you, bitch-ass,” she said.

“Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, hits on me while I’m piloting the ship. Suck my cock,” screamed Mako.

“Wait, hold on. You have a dick?” asked Kei.

Mako blushed.

“That just turns me on even more,” he said.

“Stop, you fucking pervert!”


	2. No-one could understand the pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kei and Mako hit it off BUT interferences occur.
> 
> Meanwhile, the Graham family dinner turns out to be far more occult than initially envisioned.
> 
> Meanwhile, Peter becomes aware of a government conspiracy.
> 
> Meanwhile, some guy named Fermin Goodman fattens his Nintendo Mii and has sex with it.

Mako was seriously annoyed at Kei for being such a sexist asshole. Kei pottered around the ship, whistling.

  
"God, you really are a chungus, Kei Kurono!" said Mako "I need to get back home! I've been a space trader for too long!"

"I can influence the universe to send you back home, for a price..." said Kei, the chaos symbol on his hand glowing.

"Yo, that's fucked up," said Mako.

"Alright, alright." said Kei "I just like you is all,"

"WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE?" shouted Mako.

Kei shrugged his shoulders.

"God, you're so cringe," she sighed.

SUDDENLY, a giant rock was hurtling toward them! Mako was aghast in horror. Everything she had been working toward had been for nothing. But Kei manipulated probability so that the rock wouldn't hit them. Mako was stunned into silence.

"WHAT THE FUCK??!?!?!?!?!?!?" she screamed.

Kei smiled.

"No need to have an aneurysm, sis. I just used my natural ability. Look, I think you possess several traits that are admirable: your individuality, your innocence, the cute way you get flustered when I basically tried to coerce you into sex (which admittedly, was pretty fucked up of me), your leadership ability (I mean, all your crew are dead but it doesn't seem like your fault) and that's not even getting into how cute and hot and sexy you are," he said.

"Thank you," said Mako, genuinely.

"No problem," said Kei.

They then watched _Stalker_ in the A/V room of the ship.

Kei backed off and didn't attempt to seduce Mako. This was genuine kino appreciation among friends. BUT THEN THE ENGINE GOT ON FIRE!

"Oh shit!" screamed Mako "We're all out of repair tools and it's a critical failure! Oh noooooo.... _I'm_ a critical failure,"

"Don't say that about yourself, Mako," said Kei "I won't allow it,"

He then bent the laws of chance so that they would land safely on a habitable planet.

When they got off, it appeared that they had landed on Peter Griffin's Earth.

"Are the people here all irradiated mutants or something?" said Mako.

"I mean, that's one explanation," whined Kei.

MEANWHILE, Peter had awoken. He had been taken away after the girls wandered off. A council of horrible directors had captured him.

"We're the real illuminati. We make terrible movies so audiences don't have to think," said JJ Abrams, whipping off his hood.

"OK, that makes sense. What about Ari Aster?" asked Peter.

"He's somewhat better than us. Somewhat," replied Stephen Spielberg.

"Soon," said Rian Johnson, "we will own all of imagination. Unfortunately, we had to kick Colin Trevorrow out our ranks after making the admittedly alright _The Book of Henry_. Shame. Otherwise, he is so deliciously mediocre,"

They all shook their heads in sadness.

"This is crazy!" said Peter "It's like there's a conspiracy out there to eliminate kino!"

"There is," said Damon Lindelof from the shadows, "and first we'll start with low-level directors like Aster. But soon, we will assimilate or eliminate even high-profile directors like Scorcese,"

"You madmen! You can't get away with this! I'll tell the news! I'll tell the internet! I'll tell Lois!" wailed Peter.

"I'm sorry, Peter. Lois has been transported to another dimension thanks to the Spongebob VHS we planted. We don't know where it came from but we knew how to manipulate its effects. Also, we're sanctioned by the US government - we can do what we like," said JJ.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" wailed Peter.

But just when all hope was lost, Mako burst in with Kei behind her. Mako was naked and her average-sized flaccid dick was flapping in the wind. Mako was carrying two AK-47s and tons of ammo. She blasted all of the directors to smithereens while Kei untied Peter. 

"Thank you so much," said Peter "Trans lives matter and all that,"

"It's fine," said Mako "you don't need to say that,"

"Phew!" said Peter.

The three then walked out of the compound and made their way back to Quahog.

"Why did they even capture you?" asked Mako.

"That I do not know," said Peter, "but I feel it has to do with that time I gave _Southland Tales_ a five star review on Letterboxd,"

"Good taste," said Mako and Kei in unison.

MEANWHILE, in the Graham household the lasagne turned to life and killed mum and dad! The lasagne tore into their throats, spraying BLOOD everywhere. Then Peter and Charlie were teleported to ICELAND. The lasagne was powered by BLACK MAGIC as in magic by black people.

MEANWHILE, Fermin Goodman was customising his perfect girlfriend as a Mii. He put the weight slider up to maximum but he wanted her fatter. He then got some ham from the fridge and started force feeding his Mii. Because the ham was far bigger in relation to the Mii than it was to Fermin, the Mii put on a considerable amount of weight.

"No more!" she squealed as Fermin forced chunks of ham down her throat. Nevertheless, Fermin kept feeding and she kept bloating up.

"I feel sick," said the Mii, who was now sweaty and miserable.

Fermin got out a straw and stuck it into her mouth, making a makeshift feeding tube. The Mii was now clinically obese with no signs of stopping growth. She was now the width of two Miis, her neck was non-existent and her forearms looked like gigantic pillows. Her cheeks were huge, her blobby face becoming more and more round. After a while, Fermin stopped and started beating off to his creation. The Mii then decided enough was enough and leapt with all her might through the TV screen. One problem: she got stuck. Fermin whipped out his schlong. He put it in her mouth. Eager to please her creator despite his previous indifference to her feelings, the Mii sucked on Fermin's penis until he ejaculated. This caused her to bloat up even more. All these foreign substances in her gut also caused her to fart and burp uncontrollably.

"Master, did I -*BURP*- do well?" asked the Mii.

"Yes," said Fermin with tears in his eyes "I didn't know you were capable of such sentience. I just viewed you as a toy,"

He then pulled the Mii out of the television and laid her down on the couch. They then proceeded to kiss one another.

"I need no-one else," said Fermin.


	3. King of the New World

Peter Griffin walked into his house, which by this point was unrecognisable. Then he noticed another VHS on the green carpet. He put it in the VCR because he wanted to see what it was. It was only static.

"Fucking hell!" said Peter, "What is up with this bullshit!"

He took the VHS out, not noticing the fact that Slenderman was behind him. Peter turned around and screamed. He ran through the long, cylindrical, orange hallways and slid down the tubular slide that looked like something out of a SOPHIE single cover. All the while, the house was blackening and twisting and Peter's inner monologue was wrenching itself free from Peter's control. Peter only knew to run. He forgot why as more and more of his ego died. Tears streaked his face.

While this was occurring, Kei Kurono and Mako wondered whether they should check up on Peter.

"I hope he's okay," said Mako.

"Can I ask something?" said Kei, "Are you trans or is your schlong a birth defect?"

"Birth defect,"

"Are you being sarcastic due to the invasive nature of my question?"

"No, for real. I was born with this dick,"

"I think you worry too much. Peter probably just got into some wacky hijinks as he is prone to do according to my knowledge of him from having watched _Family Guy_."

"Yeah, you're right, Kei,"

Slenderman pierced Peter's heart with his tendrils. Peter whimpered as he slowly bled to death.

"I... love you, too," he croaked before succumbing to death.

Then Slenderman burst out of the house and confronted Kei and Mako. They screamed in terror but Mamimi saved the day by hitting Slenderman over the head with a steel deckchair.

"What the fuck?!" screamed Mako.

"I don't want to alarm you," said Mamimi, "but Peter may be dead,"

They went inside to see Peter crucified on a cross made of yellow plastic. His eyes had been ripped out and applied to his nipples with PVC glue. Mako vomited. Kei freaked out internally. Everyone ran outside and Kei was about to use chaos control to kill Slenderman but Grant Morrison came out of nowhere to steal Kei's Magick away until he understood mysticism properly.

"Cure you, Grant Morrison!" yelled Kei.

Everyone was at Peter's funeral except Peter's human family. Brian was there because he was at his stoner friend Billiam's house smoking fat joints instead of being at the ass cancer gala. He felt such remorse and pain that he punched himself in the face several times and broke down sobbing and rocking back and forth in the fetal position.

Meanwhile, the remaining members of the Graham family were killed off by nanomachines getting inside their heads and expanding, causing their skulls to explode. They had been presented a future where their fate wasn't predetermined and yet it was cruelly snatched away from them due to magical collateral damage.

Then, Kei and Mako decided to have mutually consensual sex. It was pretty good. But then they were transported to the sumo arena orbiting Mars because Slenderman's cousin was upset that Slenderman died. Slenderman's cousin then flew over to where our heroes were but he was shot dead by an American because Americans always have guns and Slenderman's cousin wasn't as strong as Slenderman. Mako was then carried by the crowd and thrown into the arena. This meant that she was now a competitor in the all-female sumo tournament! She was given a serum that increased both her fat and muscle and she was given a mawashi that was designed for people with vaginas so it was really uncomfortable. Sweating under the light of the changing room, carrying a whole lot of new weight, she said to herself: "This is more awkward than when I tried to watch _Birth of a Nation_ with a guy on our first date."

She waddled into the arena, the tight mawashi rubbing hard against her dick and balls. Her first opponent was: Bea (from Pokemon Sword and Shield)!


	4. Lin-Manuel Miranda's Hamilton

Bea and Mako started making out instead of fighting and the crowd cheered because they loved to see fat girls make out. 

"What the fuck? Mako confessed her fucking love to me and now she's making out with some stupid fucking dyke? WHY? WHY ME? WHY DOES IT _ALWAYS_ HAVE TO HAPPEN TO _ME_?" thought Kei (angrily ignoring his own fat fucking boner).

"Boo!" he shouted "Please fight!"

At that point, everyone in the crowd immediately went silent and glared at Kei.

"Why the hell are they so bitch-mad at me? It's not my fault they're so fucking perverted they forgot what event this is! This is so unfair!" thought Kei.

He suppressed his desire to yell at the annoyed customers and angrily stared ahead at the inter-combatant romantic display. Thoughts of him being cuckolded ran through his head.

"I can't believe she made me a fucking cuck," thought Kei.

> Death has climbed in through our windows and has entered our fortresses; it has removed the children from the streets and the youths from the public squares.
> 
> \- Jeremiah 9:21

The match soon ended but because nobody won, no combatant was given their usual body back.

"That's really fucked up, you know. How they forced you to participate. You could have fought back. Stole the reversal serum. Started a revolution," grumbled Kei upon meeting back up with Mako.

Mako planted a kiss on Kei's cheek.

"Look, there was this cute girl and everyone was staring. I'm sorry you feel like a cuck, Kei. I would never fuck anyone other than you. You're based, Kei. I love you. But sometimes you want to sloppily make out with an incredibly hot sumo girl while everyone is watching. Be honest, haven't you ever done anything ethically questionable 'cause you found it hot?" she said.

"I... guess so," said Kei.

"You should be more confident in yourself and secure in our relationship, Kei. I mean, your dick is huge, HUGE! You should be proud of that. You have a beautiful, strong body!" she said, flexing her right bicep and showing how swollen, flabby and muscular her right arm had become.

"It's like a tree trunk with big thick veins! You should show it to the world! It's so big and thick and... long. You know why you defeated the baddies? BECAUSE YOUR DICK IS HUGE, KEI! YOUR DICK IS HUGE AND I LOVE YOU! Please, let's not let one small break from monogamy ruin something so precious," she continued, before burping.

Kei was insanely aroused.

"Oh, mama! Did I really just forget how fucking HOT she is? I'd forgive a fucking genocide for that smoking hot bod!" screamed Kei internally.

Calming himself down somewhat, Kei began to be somewhat flustered by Mako's compliments.

"I mean, it's not as big as yours," said Kei.

"Well, yeah. Naturally," said Mako, with a shrug of her shoulders.

"What's that supposed to mean?!" Kei squeaked.

Mako then picked him up effortlessly. Kei was curled up, squished against her massive, flabby boobs and her tight yet soft arms.

"Put me down!" he protested, but to no avail.

Mako carried Kei to a space taxi and threw him in. Kei then became keenly aware of how easily Mako could now kick his ass. She jumped in beside him. Her stomach pressed up against the passenger seat and the bottom left corner of the hovering taxi began to dip slightly.

"Phew!" said Mako, sweating profusely.

Mako had been gifted a black jumpsuit by the Mars sumo federation that struggled to contain her mass. Pit stains were beginning to show.

"That's weird." thought Kei, "Wouldn't the jumpsuits be specially designed to fit the combatants?"

"Anyway," said Kei, "I know where we should go. Now that I've forgiven you and all that,"

"Where?" said Mako, panting and fanning herself.

"The Venus theatre to see _Hamilton_ ,"

"Oh my God, really? You're the best boyfriend ever!"

Mako struggled into her seat, her bulk squeezing over the armrests to the point that she had to hold her jumbo cup of diet coke while Kei could only use the cup holder to his left size. King George III's voice told everyone to silence their mobile phones and that any kind of photography was prohibited. The diet coke made Mako gassy but she held it in because she didn't want anybody to stare more than they already did and she didn't want to distract from the sound of the masterful rapping occurring before her. Kei and Mako both cried at the reprise of _Stay Alive_ and the excellent closing number _Who Lives, Who Dies, Who Tells Your Story_. After the crew bowed out, Mako relaxed with an audible sigh of satisfaction, accidentally releasing all of the repressed gas. Everybody stared, making Mako blush.

Mako and Kei then had sex in a hotel room. Kei groped Mako's huge swollen titties and her big-ass stomach. He licked her chunky legs and played with her plump cheeks. He fucked her neck rolls. Then Bea waddled into the room. The two lovers stared at this intruder.

"Can I join in?" she asked.

MEANWHILE, Mystery Incorporated were investigating the disappearance of the Graham family when Dirk Gently and his sidekick Todd showed up.

"Well, hello there, sir." said Fred "May I ask what you are doing here?"

"Same thing as you," said Dirk.

Dirk then opened a kitchen drawer and picked up a fork so he could examine it more closely.

"This fork... has some dirt on it," he explained.

"Oh brother," said Velma.

"This is a complete bruh moment," said Daphne.


	5. Chapter 5

"Fuck this retarded fart shit!" said Fermin Goodman as he mowed down Kei, Bea and Mako with his machine gun.

He laid on the bed with the rubbery corpses and cried.

"What the fuck! NO!" screamed Todd.

Dirk jumped into the monster's anus anyway. Shaggy, Daphne and Fred had been killed. Only Velma and Scooby remained. The monster exploded, killing Dirk. Todd broke down, screaming and sobbing.

"WHAT THE FUCK!" he screamed.

Of all the ways for Dirk to die, he had to go in a completely pointless and undignified manner. He was then possessed by an eldritch demon to tear his face off. He grabbed a kitchen knife and stabbed Velma in the heart. Scooby tried to tear his arm off but the possessed Todd just grabbed a juicer and beat Scoob over the head with it until the blunt force trauma killed him. Snapping out of his murderous rage, Todd then decided to slit his neck. He held the knife up to his throat, his eyes watering and his hand shaking. He slammed the knife back down on the kitchen counter. He then screamed. He walked out of the house, covered in blood, and screamed in a passer-by's face. The passer-by then punched him, thinking he was just a crazy homeless person with cranberry juice all over his shirt. On the hard concrete, Todd curled up into a ball and waited for death. Then Fermin turned up and kicked him in the head. Fermin was shot by Fermin himself.

"I wonder," said Mr. Fermin, "what would happen if one extremely perverted teenage boy got a hold of a kill satellite,"

He then looked across the street at a much younger Kei Kurono. Licking his lips, Fermin prayed to God. He then jumped down a manhole.

"Wheeeeee!" he said, as he jumped down the manhole.

Then the planet exploded.

THE END


End file.
